Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by schizoferb
Summary: Reid celebrates the anniversary of Gideon's departure in reflection. Rated so for alchohol use.


**Disclaimer: ** I don't own Criminal Minds or Phantom of the Opera. I wish I did though.

**A/N: ** This takes place three years after the events in 3x02. So it's pretty much a free interpretation of timeframe, except being in between 3x10 and the beginning of the sixth season.

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Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

Dr. Spencer Reid poured himself a glass of bourbon and moseyed over to his window ledge. He sat on the seat and took a sip of his drink. Normally, he didn't drink this late, but today was a special day. Reid finished off the glass and pressed his forehead to the window. The apartment the team helped him pick out had a beautiful cityscape view, exemplified by the clear midnight sky.

Ironic, considering today was the anniversary of one of the worst days of his life.

_You were once my one companion_

_You were all that mattered_

_You were once a friend and father_

_Then my world was shattered._

Three years had passed since Gideon left, to the surprise of everyone. There were no clues prior, and no indications of why after, save for the cryptic letter. Gideon just didn't show up for their scheduled chess game. Everyone assumed that he was sick, especially when he didn't show up for work the next two weeks. No one was prepared.

_Wishing you were somehow here again_

_Wishing you were somehow near_

Barely a month later and Strauss already found a replacement: retired SSA and author David Rossi. Reid tried to avoid him as much as possible for the first cases, only being friendly when he had to, that is, when others were watching. He didn't _hate_ Rossi, no, not anymore than he hated Prentiss for replacing Elle (which he didn't).

Rossi just wasn't Gideon. He didn't exude that same kind of fatherly-wisdom-feel the way Gideon did. Reid wouldn't even sit next to him on the jet, much less play chess late into the night with him. And asking Rossi for life advice? Please. The only 'advice' on that subject Rossi could give him would be how to file divorce papers. But Gideon seemingly knew everything and did everything he could to help the BAU's 'resident genius', including giving up Redskins tickets so he could take JJ on a dead-end date. Rossi wouldn't do that. Why? Simply because he wasn't Gideon.

_Sometimes it seemed, if I just dreamed_

_Somehow you ought to hear._

If the team had a difficult case, Spencer could bet he'd have a dream with Gideon in it. It was almost always the same: they'd play chess and talk about the case. But the minute he asked about why Gideon left, he would wake up.

_Wishing I could hear your voice again_

_Knowing that I never would_

_Dreaming of you won't help me to do_

_Do what you dreamed I could_

He didn't tell anyone, but JJ's comment about how she "wouldn't be able to imagine the pain of a voicemail being the only thing left of someone" threw him into a weeklong bout of intensive depression. During that week, he thought about it and realized he didn't even have that. No voicemail to remember Gideon by, just a stupid letter.

_Passing bells and sculpted angels_

_Cold and monumental_

_Seem for you the wrong companion_

_You were warm and gentle_

In the bullpen there was a wall full of plaques inscribed with the names of those agents who had fallen or retired. Reid walked by that wall everyday to get to his desk. Two days ago, Morgan and Prentiss met him by the door and attempted to steer him away from that wall. Unaware, he pushed past them. JJ and Garcia then intercepted him and tried to get him to help them with something. When he escaped from them, Hotch and Rossi tried to take him aside to talk to him. But he insisted on putting his stuff down at his desk. Only then did he see what the entire team tried to hide.

Gideon's name had been added to the wall.

Reid sighed. No one seemed to care about Gideon's disappearance anymore. Just get a replacement, don't think about it , keep going, move on. And everyone else seemed okay with that. Except him.

_To many years fighting back tears_

_Why can't the past just die?_

Morgan and Prentiss sensed his mood change. One evening they took him to a local diner to talk. He knew they only wanted to help, so he told them everything. And all he got for his trouble was Morgan telling him that "people don't just shut down" and a therapist's card from Prentiss. That only reaffirmed his assumption that Gideon was the only one who really cared or understood.

_Wishing you were somehow here again_

_Knowing we must say goodbye_

_Try to forgive_

His mother had always told him so when he came home angry. And it worked… when he was six.

_Teach me to live_

_Give me the strength to try!_

Life. The one thing he couldn't learn from books. But with Gideon around to talk to, Spencer at least understood it a bit more. After he left, nothing made sense anymore. Frustrated by this, Reid threw his empty bourbon glass against the wall and cried bitter tears. Then in one sudden thought he had the elusive answer.

_No more memories_

Except the meaningful ones, no matter how difficult to sort through them.

_No more silent tears _

_No more waiting across the wasted years_

In the morning, he'd call that therapist. He was ready to get his life back. _Maybe then ,_he thought, _I could forgive him and it'll_

_Help me say goodbye._

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